Fear is something that I have been consumed with for most of my life.
Fear of not being loved, fear of not being accepted, fear of not fitting in, fear of not being popular, fear of not being pretty & fear fear of being too pretty. I could keep going but I think the biggest fear that I’ve ever had is the fear of who I truely am and allowing that presence to shine through.
The fear of being me.
I always thought I had to choose to be a certain way and stick to it but what I’ve learnt is that I’m ever evolving just like the different seasons throughout the year I change with things I learn from experiences I have and I’ve finally accepted that that’s a brilliant thing and that there’s nothing to fear.
So for the rest of my life I’m going to look forward to the things that make me a little anxious as that’s the feeling that I get when something extraordinary is about to happen in my life.
So I will leave you with this quote that I love:
Happiness is a function of accepting what is – Werner Erhard
Don’t shy away from happiness because you are afraid of something that might not even happen, live everyday like you have nothing to loose.
So just recently I have been thinking about what I have been doing to my body by the foods and drinks I have been consuming and how they make me feel.
About 6 weeks ago I decided to cut my caffeine intake and stopped drinking coffee which for someone who use to live on coffee was a pretty big thing. What I did was swapped it for Chai Lattes and lucky for me my local café makes them with real leaves not just the sugary mix.
A week or so after that I thought I’d start dry July a week early so I haven’t had an alcoholic drink in quiet a while and I am clearer and have not even felt like one so I will keep going with this.
But what I hadn’t realised (well did want to realise) was that I had replaced coffee and wine with my sugary friend chocolate, and lots of it. the build up was just getting more and more until the weekend just gone when I ate so much that I was ashamed of myself.
Monday I felt all achy, slow and really I felt like I had been drinking a case of champagne not indulging in my chocolate heaven. Then the headache kicked in and the negotiation that I was having with myself just have a small piece and the headache will go away, hmmm breathe, no I’m not going to crack no yet anyway.
Then I got to thinking that what I was actually doing was using my chocolaty friend as a comfort blanket which slowly crept up on me and actually took over for a short while. And I am so grateful for a realisation that I have been substituting which has showed me that I have come so far because of how quickly I have been able to make it turn around. In the past I would have let this go on and on for weeks not just the weekend.
I’m also taking on a new challenge to detox myself from my chocolaty friend and look at why I am turning to it for comfort.
And the reason why I was looking for comfort is that I am afraid not from fear but of the love and the joy that I have allowed into my life. When you have had so much fear within it takes a couple of times to just let the love flow. Each time I slip it is very easy to come back to ‘the light’ and keep moving forward.
So this is why I am now going to start treating my body as a temple and not to hide behind food any longer. This doesn’t mean that I will never eat chocolate again it just means that I’m resetting myself for greatness. I have also realised that it’s not really what I’m eating it’s why I’m eating it that I will continue to work on.